I'm not okay either, Virginia. Thank you for saying it out loud.
When I saw he was winning on election night, I was staring at a map with a swing state turning red, as if our country were bleeding out. I only got two hours of sleep that night and haven't had a fully restful night since.
I told my shrink that I wake up feeling like there's a heavy brick on my chest. She said, "When you wake and feel that, say to yourself, 'Yes, it feels like there's a brick on my chest, and that makes sense given the situation.'" But then she added, "I want you to start using the 'and' word. You say to yourself, 'Yes, there's a brick on my chest. It makes sense that I would feel this way, AND I'm going to eat breakfast, etc.'"
This helped me a bit.
And Heather Cox Richardson said that "enjoying life is a form of resistance." I may have the quote slightly off, but I really love this concept.
I'm writing on Substack under Everything and Nothing at All. It's my version of your shrink's advice, with an emphasis on the "AND...I'm going to watch this sunset....make some cheesy grits...etc." I like to think you might find something there to ease the stress we're living under. And visitors, even if they read only one post, always make me feel better.
I’m also with you. I read an Elon quote yesterday I can’t stop thinking about, “the fundamental weakness with western civilization is empathy.” This is the world they’re crafting — a world where the worst of us thrive.
From the Mayo Clinic: "Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others."
“But then: the howling madness. This is when the static and the scream are in the skull and you don’t have words at all. It feels like the slowed-down process of being in a terrible car wreck where no jokes or observations are possible, nothing but screaming or silence. This response is not banality, but it is isolating. And if the choice is between isolation and conformity, a kind of strandedness and complicity—I can’t tell you, and I can’t tell myself, which to choose.”
This essay, a pain-streak of honesty, truly touches me, Virginia. On the tiny, tiny chance you haven't yet read Timothy Snyder's "On Freedom" I urge you to snuggle with it when you can. It's a deeply human book, burning with love for democracy. So very necessary in this darkening now.
Same, feeling-wise. It’s probably going to sound odd, but I’m getting comfort in rereading the Autobiography of Malcolm X and the 2020 book about him, The Dead, They Are Awakening. We are in a similar moment, as women, as people who want a planet and birds for seven generations, as others have been before us. And as Gurdjeff says, there’s no getting out of prison if you can’t see the bars. We are seeing the bars, more clearly day by day. To me, there’s a little hope in that. Also: You’re not alone. Sending love, clear thinker. Xx!
This post reminds me of something that used to be taught in crisis intervention trainings - the character for crisis in Chinese (I suppose they meant Mandarin) also means opportunity. Wouldn't it be something if many of us were able to meet this opportunity in ways that made us stronger in our abilities to sacrifice, to work together, to love as a regular part of every day? It was good to learn about how you are working so deeply to meet our tragic times.
Thank you for the solid chuckle rattling around in my sore throat! I haven't thought of that book in years. It's astonishing and embarrassing to remember how seriously I took those teachings, how the philosophy influenced me for years....
Besides the daily bludgeoning by the regime's latest heartless action, I find it hardest to witness as, one by one, the ideals, virtues, old sayings, authors, folklore, films....are defiled, proven to be naively irrelevant...
Here's another laugh. Decades ago my father and I were in CA at a clinic to stop smoking. This place dealt with tobacco addiction 3 weeks out of four; the fourth week was for alcohol abuse. I took a walk with one of the workers who usually carried "Henry" into the smoker's meetings; Henry was a diseased lung. So we're walking, and he casually mentioned that Tom Harris also came here. (He wrote "I'm OK, You're OK.") I asked to stop smoking? "No," he said. "Drinking." I guess there was no HYPPA in those days. Jesus.
Thank you thank you for bringing to the surface and holding up what likely a lot of us are carrying these days — confusion of a different sort and depth and weirdness from what we’ve ever seen before.
Habernas’ desire “…to live in a world where the only law is love” resonates with me and calls to mind another favorite quote of mine: “Divine Love always has met and always will meet every human need.” (Mary Baker Eddy) These express the mental space I find myself yearning for and attempting to inhabit.
The mindless "How are you?" other residents carelessly toss at me as they enter the elevator. They expect an answer but I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I say "You mean, how am I handling the collapse of democracy and the imminent termination of my sole sources of support and survival?"
Usually I just make eye contact, offer a pained smile, and say nothing.
A lot of us are "not doing well" but the specifics of the malaise change. I was heartbroken about babies dying while the food and medicine they need sits on a loading dock somewhere
when I abruptly became enraged and astonished by the debacle in the Oval Office with Zelenskyy only to be consumed with grief and disappointment a few days later as Rep. Green was ushered out of the House alone, not a single colleague standing in solidarity with him. So many varieties of "not doing well."
I'm convinced that if I were actively engaged with a group of creative people perpetrating bold subversive actions against the regime, I'd be doing a lot better.
While despair is no short supply, neither is the courage, righteous indignation and pugnacious desire to be better as evidenced by aforementioned comments.
Pain is (and will continue to be) abundant. But so are small joys.
A frolicking a puppy, a happily burbling infant, a warm breeze, lush green trees, a good read, a nice walk, cycling in the rain, ripe cantaloupe, knowing eye contact with a complete stranger, an on-time flight with an open seat next to you, a pair of perfectly fitting jeans, a great haircut, having exact change and on and on and on…
This fight will be long… and there are no guarantees of victory, but a community like this (and many others) is evidence that hopelessness is not reality, but the elected choice of a masochist.
Fight on… but also, spare some grace and little joy.
I completely fell apart the first time so I'm determined not to do so this time around. This helps! It's a lot of work to sort through it as you've done here. It deserves a careful reading and re-reading. It's also just a fine piece of writing!
That is a perfect distillation, Virginia, of how so many of us feel. It IS surreal. This was the year we were supposed to be wallowing in his four trials and ultimate imprisonment, and instead we’re here in hell.
What’s happening around us is horrific, and watching the supine likes of Jeffries and Schumer gaping at it with no instinct to FUCKING FIGHT BACK is disgusting, and it often requires us to deny reality in order to get on with the mundane acts of daily life.
It’s hard to make peace with our own helplessness, but at least we’re able to write about it. It’s the biggest story of our lives, and the media have not only not treated it that way but have done their best to pretend it isn’t happening. So many wusses!
We are constantly being reminded that the average lifespan of democracies is 200-250 years, and we’re at 249. We were lucky to have lived so many years in the innocence of not imagining a thing like this was possible. This was always going to end at some point, and when it did there were going to be people alive who would know how it ended. I think we may be them.
Reagan started our decline, SCOTUS insured it with its 2000 coup, and who better than the worst biped this country has ever vomited up to finish it. It was always going to take a uniquely evil creature to destroy the world, but Orange Filth is more than up to the task.
Thank you for saying this out loud and not veering toward the howling madness. Plenty of that out there already. You and HCR are the most eloquent of the soothing voices I need every day to navigate the psychic hellscape. Tyranny always fails. History proves it again and again.
I struggle with the decision over how engaged to be, versus escaping into sports or comfort TV. One reason is that a big part of Trump 2.0 is engineered specifically to provoke outrage from decent people -- the aching thirst for liberal tears. Complacency helps no one, but I don't want to give the predators the satisfaction of provoking my anger.
I consider "The Pitt" great discomfort TV. I love the characters but the closeups of blood and guts are a tough watch.
I'm not okay either, Virginia. Thank you for saying it out loud.
When I saw he was winning on election night, I was staring at a map with a swing state turning red, as if our country were bleeding out. I only got two hours of sleep that night and haven't had a fully restful night since.
I told my shrink that I wake up feeling like there's a heavy brick on my chest. She said, "When you wake and feel that, say to yourself, 'Yes, it feels like there's a brick on my chest, and that makes sense given the situation.'" But then she added, "I want you to start using the 'and' word. You say to yourself, 'Yes, there's a brick on my chest. It makes sense that I would feel this way, AND I'm going to eat breakfast, etc.'"
This helped me a bit.
And Heather Cox Richardson said that "enjoying life is a form of resistance." I may have the quote slightly off, but I really love this concept.
Thank you for your writing, it really helps!
I'm writing on Substack under Everything and Nothing at All. It's my version of your shrink's advice, with an emphasis on the "AND...I'm going to watch this sunset....make some cheesy grits...etc." I like to think you might find something there to ease the stress we're living under. And visitors, even if they read only one post, always make me feel better.
Stop by if you like.
And take care of yourself, whatever you decide.
I’m also with you. I read an Elon quote yesterday I can’t stop thinking about, “the fundamental weakness with western civilization is empathy.” This is the world they’re crafting — a world where the worst of us thrive.
From the Mayo Clinic: "Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others."
This is a perfect paragraph:
“But then: the howling madness. This is when the static and the scream are in the skull and you don’t have words at all. It feels like the slowed-down process of being in a terrible car wreck where no jokes or observations are possible, nothing but screaming or silence. This response is not banality, but it is isolating. And if the choice is between isolation and conformity, a kind of strandedness and complicity—I can’t tell you, and I can’t tell myself, which to choose.”
Right there with you.
Thank you for this. It put into words the sick feeling I’ve been stewing in since November. It made me feel
Less alone.
This essay, a pain-streak of honesty, truly touches me, Virginia. On the tiny, tiny chance you haven't yet read Timothy Snyder's "On Freedom" I urge you to snuggle with it when you can. It's a deeply human book, burning with love for democracy. So very necessary in this darkening now.
Same, feeling-wise. It’s probably going to sound odd, but I’m getting comfort in rereading the Autobiography of Malcolm X and the 2020 book about him, The Dead, They Are Awakening. We are in a similar moment, as women, as people who want a planet and birds for seven generations, as others have been before us. And as Gurdjeff says, there’s no getting out of prison if you can’t see the bars. We are seeing the bars, more clearly day by day. To me, there’s a little hope in that. Also: You’re not alone. Sending love, clear thinker. Xx!
This post reminds me of something that used to be taught in crisis intervention trainings - the character for crisis in Chinese (I suppose they meant Mandarin) also means opportunity. Wouldn't it be something if many of us were able to meet this opportunity in ways that made us stronger in our abilities to sacrifice, to work together, to love as a regular part of every day? It was good to learn about how you are working so deeply to meet our tragic times.
I think of the old book, "I'm OK, You're OK." That book definitely would not make it in today's market.
Thank you for the solid chuckle rattling around in my sore throat! I haven't thought of that book in years. It's astonishing and embarrassing to remember how seriously I took those teachings, how the philosophy influenced me for years....
Besides the daily bludgeoning by the regime's latest heartless action, I find it hardest to witness as, one by one, the ideals, virtues, old sayings, authors, folklore, films....are defiled, proven to be naively irrelevant...
I digress. Thanks. The title makes me laugh.
Here's another laugh. Decades ago my father and I were in CA at a clinic to stop smoking. This place dealt with tobacco addiction 3 weeks out of four; the fourth week was for alcohol abuse. I took a walk with one of the workers who usually carried "Henry" into the smoker's meetings; Henry was a diseased lung. So we're walking, and he casually mentioned that Tom Harris also came here. (He wrote "I'm OK, You're OK.") I asked to stop smoking? "No," he said. "Drinking." I guess there was no HYPPA in those days. Jesus.
Thank you thank you for bringing to the surface and holding up what likely a lot of us are carrying these days — confusion of a different sort and depth and weirdness from what we’ve ever seen before.
Habernas’ desire “…to live in a world where the only law is love” resonates with me and calls to mind another favorite quote of mine: “Divine Love always has met and always will meet every human need.” (Mary Baker Eddy) These express the mental space I find myself yearning for and attempting to inhabit.
The mindless "How are you?" other residents carelessly toss at me as they enter the elevator. They expect an answer but I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I say "You mean, how am I handling the collapse of democracy and the imminent termination of my sole sources of support and survival?"
Usually I just make eye contact, offer a pained smile, and say nothing.
A lot of us are "not doing well" but the specifics of the malaise change. I was heartbroken about babies dying while the food and medicine they need sits on a loading dock somewhere
when I abruptly became enraged and astonished by the debacle in the Oval Office with Zelenskyy only to be consumed with grief and disappointment a few days later as Rep. Green was ushered out of the House alone, not a single colleague standing in solidarity with him. So many varieties of "not doing well."
I'm convinced that if I were actively engaged with a group of creative people perpetrating bold subversive actions against the regime, I'd be doing a lot better.
Meaningful thoughts throughout the comments.
While despair is no short supply, neither is the courage, righteous indignation and pugnacious desire to be better as evidenced by aforementioned comments.
Pain is (and will continue to be) abundant. But so are small joys.
A frolicking a puppy, a happily burbling infant, a warm breeze, lush green trees, a good read, a nice walk, cycling in the rain, ripe cantaloupe, knowing eye contact with a complete stranger, an on-time flight with an open seat next to you, a pair of perfectly fitting jeans, a great haircut, having exact change and on and on and on…
This fight will be long… and there are no guarantees of victory, but a community like this (and many others) is evidence that hopelessness is not reality, but the elected choice of a masochist.
Fight on… but also, spare some grace and little joy.
Internet hugs for you all.
I completely fell apart the first time so I'm determined not to do so this time around. This helps! It's a lot of work to sort through it as you've done here. It deserves a careful reading and re-reading. It's also just a fine piece of writing!
I understand. Every word. ❤️
That is a perfect distillation, Virginia, of how so many of us feel. It IS surreal. This was the year we were supposed to be wallowing in his four trials and ultimate imprisonment, and instead we’re here in hell.
What’s happening around us is horrific, and watching the supine likes of Jeffries and Schumer gaping at it with no instinct to FUCKING FIGHT BACK is disgusting, and it often requires us to deny reality in order to get on with the mundane acts of daily life.
It’s hard to make peace with our own helplessness, but at least we’re able to write about it. It’s the biggest story of our lives, and the media have not only not treated it that way but have done their best to pretend it isn’t happening. So many wusses!
We are constantly being reminded that the average lifespan of democracies is 200-250 years, and we’re at 249. We were lucky to have lived so many years in the innocence of not imagining a thing like this was possible. This was always going to end at some point, and when it did there were going to be people alive who would know how it ended. I think we may be them.
Reagan started our decline, SCOTUS insured it with its 2000 coup, and who better than the worst biped this country has ever vomited up to finish it. It was always going to take a uniquely evil creature to destroy the world, but Orange Filth is more than up to the task.
Thank you for saying this out loud and not veering toward the howling madness. Plenty of that out there already. You and HCR are the most eloquent of the soothing voices I need every day to navigate the psychic hellscape. Tyranny always fails. History proves it again and again.
I struggle with the decision over how engaged to be, versus escaping into sports or comfort TV. One reason is that a big part of Trump 2.0 is engineered specifically to provoke outrage from decent people -- the aching thirst for liberal tears. Complacency helps no one, but I don't want to give the predators the satisfaction of provoking my anger.
I consider "The Pitt" great discomfort TV. I love the characters but the closeups of blood and guts are a tough watch.